Is it bad that I'm sitting outside in my beautiful back yard staring at a laptop, haha! For someone who thinks of herself as pretty easily unplugged, this is pathetic.
What is bringing me here today, what brings me back to words, to the deep need to communicate with the written word and therefore find understanding. Is it that I think more slowly, more methodically when I write. Perhaps it's that in order to write I need to step away from noise, from sweet boys (albeit loud!). Perhaps it's that I come to writing usually in a pensive mood already.
One month and a day ago, at this time, I was at home in pain. A growing pain, waves coming and going, and with each one becoming more intense and breathtaking. The pain quickened, condensed, and came to fruition in the birth of my daughter, my lovely daughter, crying loud, strong from the first moment. Tears and shared looks with my husband of incredulity, a girl! After three lusty, fabulous boys, we had assumed that our family would be a little herd of masculinity, but now breaking into that assumption was this little squirming darling who would change the color of our household forever. Thank you Lord for this gift!
Now, the dramatic next few moments...turn her over, spina bifida, husband walks in the hallway to dial 911, bandaging, swirls of activity, paramedics, husband gone, baby gone.
The eternal hour before I could leave to join my little one at the hospital, my bags being packed for me, my brain wasn't working, I just wanted to be with my baby. Finally there, breathing now that I can see her. Friends coming by to pray to encourage to rejoice. Another kiss and goodbye, paramedics, gentle giants to fly with baby to the children's hospital. Daddy goes along in the leer jet. I drive slowly with my mom, sleep on the way, I just want to see her.
Met with check ins, rules, gowns, nurses, and my darling...so dwarfed by everything in her little hospital bed.
I'm a month past now. I am past the surgery, the iv's, the red angry incision, the aching to hold, the worries about bonding and nursing, the guilt of being away from my boys for 9 days. We are home and grateful and in love with the sweet princess of the house.
But there is much to process, much to understand, much to uncover. My emotions so often dive deep, afraid of their own strength, afraid that there are no easy answers. I suppose it's my way of finding peace, a high commodity to my personality. It's my counterfeit. It's the shortcut. But in the truth that God is the only giver and source of peace, I come now to process. To write. To unearth some emotion, to lay it bare and ask for the Lord's thoughts, his messages, to solidify what He has been teaching over the last month and to connect with what He is teaching me today. Thank you, Jesus for being present with me in this cloudy, tree ringed backyard, with laptop on lap.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Getting Ready
I'm loving this summer of preparation! I think it's because that concept is so brand new to me. Maybe it's because I'm the 4th and last born of our family, but I'm not used to being the one in charge, the one who needs to be ready, thinking ahead. I'm always flying by the seat of my pants, but not flying very high or very pretty, haha!
It's really exciting to see that I'm starting to form some good habits that are making a difference in the appearance of our house and that will make homeschooling so much more successful this year.
And I'm also listening to "Vicky and Jen: what really matters" podcast ad nauseum, ha! They have great talk radio personalities and my favorite series is "The big O with Monica Ricci." Quite a catchy name. I have gleaned SOOOO many fab tips from these podcasts.
I think my biggest motivator right now is the little one bumping inside my belly while I write this. I know that he or she will make a big splash in the middle of our semester and I just want my boys and my house and our schoolwork to be as clockwork as can be before baby comes.
Oh it makes me excited to write that sentence! You would think I would be more nervous about #4, but I'm not. Is it because chaos is comfy to me now and I've long tossed out high expectations? I think partly that and partly I feel secure, I've done this mommy thing for a while now, 8 yrs on August 23rd. I can receive this blessing without all added worries of "my life is going to be so different" that you feel with your first or the "how in the heck can I love another kiddo more that the sweetie I already have" that you feel with your second or the many unsolicited comments that you get about number 3, "now you are outnumbered." By the time you hit 4, people usually just accept that you are either crazy or that you have been around the block a time or two and you can handle it. Now, not saying that there isn't a whole lot of OVERWHELMED coming up soon, but at least I'm not spending my pregnancy worrying too much.
This will be my first home birth, very excited about that! Hoping that the logistics of transferring the big bugs to my mom's house won't be too hard. God is so good at logistics, so I need to not be concerned. But I am so glad that I can stay here. There is a sense of power and control birthing at home. I'm not sure why, because I'd be working hard at a hospital or birth center, but it just feels great to make a big physical statement birth is natural and I feel very excited to experience is in the center of my life, where I do dishes and sleep and hug my boys. And then afterward I get to take a shower and hop in my bed and nurse my precious one.
I also feel different going into this labor. With number one I just didn't know what to think labor/delivery would be like. And with number 2 and 3 I had a fair share of dread, because I darn well knew what it was like, ha! But every time I think about birthing this baby my focus is on meeting this new child and each pain carrying me closer to that goal. I'm sure that was somewhere in my thinking with my other children, but I think the image in my mind was some kind of dark and horrid tunnel that I had to go through to get where I'm going. I just don't feel that way this time. And if I continue my pattern, I am pretty quick when it comes to the nasty part. So, a couple hours of pain and then my babe will be here.
Well, I'm all positive today! Maybe it's all the birthday vibes that are sun shining on my thought process. Sweet baby, I want to treasure the next 9 weeks that you are inside. And I truly want to treasure that grey and murky newborn time, so precious and so elusive. Gone like a fog, which is a relief, finally you find some normal, but by then your baby has outgrown all his/her newborn outfits. Lord give me joy and slowness of mind in this next season of mommyhood.
It's really exciting to see that I'm starting to form some good habits that are making a difference in the appearance of our house and that will make homeschooling so much more successful this year.
I am LOVING "Large Family Logistics" by Kim Brenneman, a FAB book for any sized family. She has such great practical tips about making your house function well. So many systems for me to set up! I just saw that she has a blog with great info on it too, I need to check it out.
And I'm also listening to "Vicky and Jen: what really matters" podcast ad nauseum, ha! They have great talk radio personalities and my favorite series is "The big O with Monica Ricci." Quite a catchy name. I have gleaned SOOOO many fab tips from these podcasts.
I think my biggest motivator right now is the little one bumping inside my belly while I write this. I know that he or she will make a big splash in the middle of our semester and I just want my boys and my house and our schoolwork to be as clockwork as can be before baby comes.
Oh it makes me excited to write that sentence! You would think I would be more nervous about #4, but I'm not. Is it because chaos is comfy to me now and I've long tossed out high expectations? I think partly that and partly I feel secure, I've done this mommy thing for a while now, 8 yrs on August 23rd. I can receive this blessing without all added worries of "my life is going to be so different" that you feel with your first or the "how in the heck can I love another kiddo more that the sweetie I already have" that you feel with your second or the many unsolicited comments that you get about number 3, "now you are outnumbered." By the time you hit 4, people usually just accept that you are either crazy or that you have been around the block a time or two and you can handle it. Now, not saying that there isn't a whole lot of OVERWHELMED coming up soon, but at least I'm not spending my pregnancy worrying too much.
This will be my first home birth, very excited about that! Hoping that the logistics of transferring the big bugs to my mom's house won't be too hard. God is so good at logistics, so I need to not be concerned. But I am so glad that I can stay here. There is a sense of power and control birthing at home. I'm not sure why, because I'd be working hard at a hospital or birth center, but it just feels great to make a big physical statement birth is natural and I feel very excited to experience is in the center of my life, where I do dishes and sleep and hug my boys. And then afterward I get to take a shower and hop in my bed and nurse my precious one.
I also feel different going into this labor. With number one I just didn't know what to think labor/delivery would be like. And with number 2 and 3 I had a fair share of dread, because I darn well knew what it was like, ha! But every time I think about birthing this baby my focus is on meeting this new child and each pain carrying me closer to that goal. I'm sure that was somewhere in my thinking with my other children, but I think the image in my mind was some kind of dark and horrid tunnel that I had to go through to get where I'm going. I just don't feel that way this time. And if I continue my pattern, I am pretty quick when it comes to the nasty part. So, a couple hours of pain and then my babe will be here.
Well, I'm all positive today! Maybe it's all the birthday vibes that are sun shining on my thought process. Sweet baby, I want to treasure the next 9 weeks that you are inside. And I truly want to treasure that grey and murky newborn time, so precious and so elusive. Gone like a fog, which is a relief, finally you find some normal, but by then your baby has outgrown all his/her newborn outfits. Lord give me joy and slowness of mind in this next season of mommyhood.
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