musings from a year ago...
When I was the little girl sitting on the front porch, half hidden by the row of pink azalea bushes, I had no halting self consciousness to keep me from writing. Pencil, lined paper--poetry began to flow on the page. Really bad poetry! But there was that flow, that recognition, "I can do this, I am a writer!" And that grew pretty steadily, thinking myself akin to jo march with her ink stained fingers. There was enough confidence to push me through the end of highschool and into a communications degree. But then somewhere in college, the self awareness sharpened, shifted, somewhere in the corner of a Barnes and Noble when I realized just how much written word was out there in the ocean of published work. I very much felt the smallness of myself. Did I really have any ideas that were new! That were interesting! And this was before all the self branding madness of blogging! I would have been even more paralyzed had I been twice outshone by that sea of self publishing!
And so I stopped writing. The bubble had burst and I felt like the part of me that seemed so unique was realized to be quite ordinary.
I've thought so much about that, the desire to stand out and excel in a certain area. Does this come from an inner held belief that we each have our thing, our bent, our calling.
I had a text from a friend today, it was a video of shauna niequist, speaking of the importance of making room in life for one's passions and gifting. And as I listened to to her I felt a little bit of thaw in a place inside of me that has been frozen for years. That whisper of that little girl, pushing that porch rocker with bare toes on cool concrete. The girl who drank up the sunshine like water and played with words like toys and loved dirt under her nails.
The most motivating statement from shauna's video was that her mother knew that her son needed to see the picture of a woman alive in God and living joyfully, that her daughter needed to see what it is to be a Godly woman, living her full potential, living out her passions. Oh how deeply I felt this. That my children need to see joy in me! That Shauna's mother lived for so long serving her family, taking care of them, giving of herself, but doing so without happiness. But she started to reawaken and find that she delighted in giving aid to people in other countries, finding adventure and new expression.
Shauna said something about how women can giving indiscriminently of themselves. That of course we are called to give, as Christ gave. But that He didn't give all to everyone. Am I proud in a way of the life lived all for my husband and children, does this give me a free pass of righteousness? That I am the mother/martyr? Is that God's plan for me?
I don't want to waste this season, or even to just wade through this season. Although, the truth is that most of the time I am just trying to survive, and keep all those little tummies full! But I have been doing so with clenched teeth, grinning and bearing it, slipping regularly into anger.
But I felt an awakening today, a new call to joy and a grand reason to pursue it. How do I want my children to remember me? How much would I love to be an inspiration for them, for my sons to seek women like me as wives, for my daughter to seek to be like me. And I don't say this for pride sake, but that there would be no greater honor for me than for those that know me so intimately to see in me the joy of life in Christ, the fulfillment of living out one's design.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Sunday, October 27, 2013
what sends me back
Is it bad that I'm sitting outside in my beautiful back yard staring at a laptop, haha! For someone who thinks of herself as pretty easily unplugged, this is pathetic.
What is bringing me here today, what brings me back to words, to the deep need to communicate with the written word and therefore find understanding. Is it that I think more slowly, more methodically when I write. Perhaps it's that in order to write I need to step away from noise, from sweet boys (albeit loud!). Perhaps it's that I come to writing usually in a pensive mood already.
One month and a day ago, at this time, I was at home in pain. A growing pain, waves coming and going, and with each one becoming more intense and breathtaking. The pain quickened, condensed, and came to fruition in the birth of my daughter, my lovely daughter, crying loud, strong from the first moment. Tears and shared looks with my husband of incredulity, a girl! After three lusty, fabulous boys, we had assumed that our family would be a little herd of masculinity, but now breaking into that assumption was this little squirming darling who would change the color of our household forever. Thank you Lord for this gift!
Now, the dramatic next few moments...turn her over, spina bifida, husband walks in the hallway to dial 911, bandaging, swirls of activity, paramedics, husband gone, baby gone.
The eternal hour before I could leave to join my little one at the hospital, my bags being packed for me, my brain wasn't working, I just wanted to be with my baby. Finally there, breathing now that I can see her. Friends coming by to pray to encourage to rejoice. Another kiss and goodbye, paramedics, gentle giants to fly with baby to the children's hospital. Daddy goes along in the leer jet. I drive slowly with my mom, sleep on the way, I just want to see her.
Met with check ins, rules, gowns, nurses, and my darling...so dwarfed by everything in her little hospital bed.
I'm a month past now. I am past the surgery, the iv's, the red angry incision, the aching to hold, the worries about bonding and nursing, the guilt of being away from my boys for 9 days. We are home and grateful and in love with the sweet princess of the house.
But there is much to process, much to understand, much to uncover. My emotions so often dive deep, afraid of their own strength, afraid that there are no easy answers. I suppose it's my way of finding peace, a high commodity to my personality. It's my counterfeit. It's the shortcut. But in the truth that God is the only giver and source of peace, I come now to process. To write. To unearth some emotion, to lay it bare and ask for the Lord's thoughts, his messages, to solidify what He has been teaching over the last month and to connect with what He is teaching me today. Thank you, Jesus for being present with me in this cloudy, tree ringed backyard, with laptop on lap.
What is bringing me here today, what brings me back to words, to the deep need to communicate with the written word and therefore find understanding. Is it that I think more slowly, more methodically when I write. Perhaps it's that in order to write I need to step away from noise, from sweet boys (albeit loud!). Perhaps it's that I come to writing usually in a pensive mood already.
One month and a day ago, at this time, I was at home in pain. A growing pain, waves coming and going, and with each one becoming more intense and breathtaking. The pain quickened, condensed, and came to fruition in the birth of my daughter, my lovely daughter, crying loud, strong from the first moment. Tears and shared looks with my husband of incredulity, a girl! After three lusty, fabulous boys, we had assumed that our family would be a little herd of masculinity, but now breaking into that assumption was this little squirming darling who would change the color of our household forever. Thank you Lord for this gift!
Now, the dramatic next few moments...turn her over, spina bifida, husband walks in the hallway to dial 911, bandaging, swirls of activity, paramedics, husband gone, baby gone.
The eternal hour before I could leave to join my little one at the hospital, my bags being packed for me, my brain wasn't working, I just wanted to be with my baby. Finally there, breathing now that I can see her. Friends coming by to pray to encourage to rejoice. Another kiss and goodbye, paramedics, gentle giants to fly with baby to the children's hospital. Daddy goes along in the leer jet. I drive slowly with my mom, sleep on the way, I just want to see her.
Met with check ins, rules, gowns, nurses, and my darling...so dwarfed by everything in her little hospital bed.
I'm a month past now. I am past the surgery, the iv's, the red angry incision, the aching to hold, the worries about bonding and nursing, the guilt of being away from my boys for 9 days. We are home and grateful and in love with the sweet princess of the house.
But there is much to process, much to understand, much to uncover. My emotions so often dive deep, afraid of their own strength, afraid that there are no easy answers. I suppose it's my way of finding peace, a high commodity to my personality. It's my counterfeit. It's the shortcut. But in the truth that God is the only giver and source of peace, I come now to process. To write. To unearth some emotion, to lay it bare and ask for the Lord's thoughts, his messages, to solidify what He has been teaching over the last month and to connect with what He is teaching me today. Thank you, Jesus for being present with me in this cloudy, tree ringed backyard, with laptop on lap.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Getting Ready
I'm loving this summer of preparation! I think it's because that concept is so brand new to me. Maybe it's because I'm the 4th and last born of our family, but I'm not used to being the one in charge, the one who needs to be ready, thinking ahead. I'm always flying by the seat of my pants, but not flying very high or very pretty, haha!
It's really exciting to see that I'm starting to form some good habits that are making a difference in the appearance of our house and that will make homeschooling so much more successful this year.
And I'm also listening to "Vicky and Jen: what really matters" podcast ad nauseum, ha! They have great talk radio personalities and my favorite series is "The big O with Monica Ricci." Quite a catchy name. I have gleaned SOOOO many fab tips from these podcasts.
I think my biggest motivator right now is the little one bumping inside my belly while I write this. I know that he or she will make a big splash in the middle of our semester and I just want my boys and my house and our schoolwork to be as clockwork as can be before baby comes.
Oh it makes me excited to write that sentence! You would think I would be more nervous about #4, but I'm not. Is it because chaos is comfy to me now and I've long tossed out high expectations? I think partly that and partly I feel secure, I've done this mommy thing for a while now, 8 yrs on August 23rd. I can receive this blessing without all added worries of "my life is going to be so different" that you feel with your first or the "how in the heck can I love another kiddo more that the sweetie I already have" that you feel with your second or the many unsolicited comments that you get about number 3, "now you are outnumbered." By the time you hit 4, people usually just accept that you are either crazy or that you have been around the block a time or two and you can handle it. Now, not saying that there isn't a whole lot of OVERWHELMED coming up soon, but at least I'm not spending my pregnancy worrying too much.
This will be my first home birth, very excited about that! Hoping that the logistics of transferring the big bugs to my mom's house won't be too hard. God is so good at logistics, so I need to not be concerned. But I am so glad that I can stay here. There is a sense of power and control birthing at home. I'm not sure why, because I'd be working hard at a hospital or birth center, but it just feels great to make a big physical statement birth is natural and I feel very excited to experience is in the center of my life, where I do dishes and sleep and hug my boys. And then afterward I get to take a shower and hop in my bed and nurse my precious one.
I also feel different going into this labor. With number one I just didn't know what to think labor/delivery would be like. And with number 2 and 3 I had a fair share of dread, because I darn well knew what it was like, ha! But every time I think about birthing this baby my focus is on meeting this new child and each pain carrying me closer to that goal. I'm sure that was somewhere in my thinking with my other children, but I think the image in my mind was some kind of dark and horrid tunnel that I had to go through to get where I'm going. I just don't feel that way this time. And if I continue my pattern, I am pretty quick when it comes to the nasty part. So, a couple hours of pain and then my babe will be here.
Well, I'm all positive today! Maybe it's all the birthday vibes that are sun shining on my thought process. Sweet baby, I want to treasure the next 9 weeks that you are inside. And I truly want to treasure that grey and murky newborn time, so precious and so elusive. Gone like a fog, which is a relief, finally you find some normal, but by then your baby has outgrown all his/her newborn outfits. Lord give me joy and slowness of mind in this next season of mommyhood.
It's really exciting to see that I'm starting to form some good habits that are making a difference in the appearance of our house and that will make homeschooling so much more successful this year.
I am LOVING "Large Family Logistics" by Kim Brenneman, a FAB book for any sized family. She has such great practical tips about making your house function well. So many systems for me to set up! I just saw that she has a blog with great info on it too, I need to check it out.
And I'm also listening to "Vicky and Jen: what really matters" podcast ad nauseum, ha! They have great talk radio personalities and my favorite series is "The big O with Monica Ricci." Quite a catchy name. I have gleaned SOOOO many fab tips from these podcasts.
I think my biggest motivator right now is the little one bumping inside my belly while I write this. I know that he or she will make a big splash in the middle of our semester and I just want my boys and my house and our schoolwork to be as clockwork as can be before baby comes.
Oh it makes me excited to write that sentence! You would think I would be more nervous about #4, but I'm not. Is it because chaos is comfy to me now and I've long tossed out high expectations? I think partly that and partly I feel secure, I've done this mommy thing for a while now, 8 yrs on August 23rd. I can receive this blessing without all added worries of "my life is going to be so different" that you feel with your first or the "how in the heck can I love another kiddo more that the sweetie I already have" that you feel with your second or the many unsolicited comments that you get about number 3, "now you are outnumbered." By the time you hit 4, people usually just accept that you are either crazy or that you have been around the block a time or two and you can handle it. Now, not saying that there isn't a whole lot of OVERWHELMED coming up soon, but at least I'm not spending my pregnancy worrying too much.
This will be my first home birth, very excited about that! Hoping that the logistics of transferring the big bugs to my mom's house won't be too hard. God is so good at logistics, so I need to not be concerned. But I am so glad that I can stay here. There is a sense of power and control birthing at home. I'm not sure why, because I'd be working hard at a hospital or birth center, but it just feels great to make a big physical statement birth is natural and I feel very excited to experience is in the center of my life, where I do dishes and sleep and hug my boys. And then afterward I get to take a shower and hop in my bed and nurse my precious one.
I also feel different going into this labor. With number one I just didn't know what to think labor/delivery would be like. And with number 2 and 3 I had a fair share of dread, because I darn well knew what it was like, ha! But every time I think about birthing this baby my focus is on meeting this new child and each pain carrying me closer to that goal. I'm sure that was somewhere in my thinking with my other children, but I think the image in my mind was some kind of dark and horrid tunnel that I had to go through to get where I'm going. I just don't feel that way this time. And if I continue my pattern, I am pretty quick when it comes to the nasty part. So, a couple hours of pain and then my babe will be here.
Well, I'm all positive today! Maybe it's all the birthday vibes that are sun shining on my thought process. Sweet baby, I want to treasure the next 9 weeks that you are inside. And I truly want to treasure that grey and murky newborn time, so precious and so elusive. Gone like a fog, which is a relief, finally you find some normal, but by then your baby has outgrown all his/her newborn outfits. Lord give me joy and slowness of mind in this next season of mommyhood.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
sweet cinnamon applesauce
Tell me you don't want to grab a spoon and dive right in this cute little mason jar!
My sweet Aunt bought over some sorely disappointing apples, really they hardly should have been called apples, more like little orbs of mealy mush. I'm not sure what variety they were, maybe a macintosh or gala?
Here's the disgustingly easy recipe for homeade applesauce in the crockpot (more on my love for my crockpot later, that's a whole blogpost in itself, maybe two blogposts.....)
Cinnamon Spiced Applesauce
12 C McIntosh apples, cored, peeled and sliced
1/2 C sugar
1 C water
1 T. lemon juice
1/2 t. cinnamon
Combine all ingredients in a slow cooker. Cover and cook for 5-7 hours on low setting, Makes about 6 cups.
*I just realized that the recipe said 12 C, I read it as 12 apples, oops! Well, the secret's out, it worked perfectly! I thought 1/2 C sugar wasn't very much for a whole crockpot of apples, but you could actually reduce it a bit, not that the sweet applesauce wasn't delicious.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Library Gems #2
More wonderful book from the good ol' library:
Extra Yarn by Mac Burnett (LOVED this artwork)
The Story of Frog Belly Rat Bone by Timothy Basil Ering
This was a fun book in the vein of Wall-E. Again the artwork was just plain old terrific and I just love books that drip with imagination.
Minnie's Diner by Dayle Ann Dodds
Not terribly well written or anything but I thought it was engaging and a great visual for the idea of doubling something.
Dear Mr. Blueberry by Simon James
Loved the child perspective vs. the adult perspective
Night Knight by Owen Davey
The perfect, short bedtime story. And did anyone say ARTWORK!!!!!! loved it
Bigfoot Cinderrella by Tony Johnston
A really funny spin on the original. I mostly added this to the list because it's the perfect fairy tale for boys, c'mon, what little man could resist a big, stinky, boat footed princess?
Extra Yarn by Mac Burnett (LOVED this artwork)
The Story of Frog Belly Rat Bone by Timothy Basil Ering
This was a fun book in the vein of Wall-E. Again the artwork was just plain old terrific and I just love books that drip with imagination.
Minnie's Diner by Dayle Ann Dodds
Not terribly well written or anything but I thought it was engaging and a great visual for the idea of doubling something.
Dear Mr. Blueberry by Simon James
Loved the child perspective vs. the adult perspective
Night Knight by Owen Davey
The perfect, short bedtime story. And did anyone say ARTWORK!!!!!! loved it
Bigfoot Cinderrella by Tony Johnston
A really funny spin on the original. I mostly added this to the list because it's the perfect fairy tale for boys, c'mon, what little man could resist a big, stinky, boat footed princess?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
on the back porch
cool, delicious air called me out on the front porch this morning. I feel like I need to bottle it somehow, or absorb thick layer of cool into my skin so that come july I'll be able to tolerate the heat better.
Maybe I was just trying to run away and find a little peace but I don't think that the back porch was far enough away to find that, haha. I was "discovered" in minutes.
Well, it's all screams and squabbles in the background right now, mostly centering around easter candy.
well, I wanted to post this pics from the morning that make it look like all I do is sip coffee and search my soul. I wish that were the case over the sounds assaulting me from the other room right now.
But I do want to say that "Jesus Calling" has been wonderful. Like little sips of the Spirit that I've been able to fit into a chaotic morning such as this. I love her personal rendering of the Scriptures. Here's to peaceful mornings!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Gems from the Library
Hello!!! I can't tell you how excited I am to finally be writing this post. It has been written and laid out in gorgeous fashion in my mind for way, way too long. If only all my thoughts could actually materialize, I'd be quite a productive person!
I love libraries! I LOVE LIBRARIES!!! I love them because I love books, ahem, I LOVE LOVE LOVE BOOKS!!! And you can miraculously go to a library and greedily stuff your already filled to the brim bag with books and take them all home for free, did you hear me? FOR FREE!!!! (did I mention that I love libraries?)
I can't count the times that we've come back and eagerly attack that bulging bag, snuggle on the couch, and sigh in disappointment for the unimaginative material that is being published en masse, how does this happen! I mean really, I'm not looking for every book to post a gold seal award, but there are just some really stupid kids book out there, and I think over the course of the last 7 years, we've read a lot of them, way too many, really.
But every week, it seems that tucked in between this drivel are several gems that are so tasty and fun and I've been dying to share them with you and make a list so that when Bennet is a little older and I'm reading longer books to him I can remember what in the world I've read.
My anal side wants me to categorize and alphabetize this list, but honestly naptime is almost over, so here is an initial list, in no particular order and hopefully with many more to follow in the future:
Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney
Little Blue by Gaye Chapman
One Morning in Maine by McCloskey
Mr Putter (this is a series, they're all great) by Cynthia Rylant
McDuff (also a series, love the retro style) by Wells
Applesauce Season by Lipson
Bruna by Cottringer
Sandcastle Math Made fun series by Tracy Kompelien
Grandpa Green by Lane Smith
Legend of the Golden Snail by Graeme Berse
Halibut Jackson by David Lucas
I've been making lists of these for a while now and I have no idea where they're tucked away. So, I know there will be much more where this came from. I'm pretty sure that I enjoy good children's literature even more than my kids, haha. Right now Thursday is our library day, so perhaps I'll try to make that my posting day and let this list grow long and luscious!
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